By Travis Hunt

Clowns are creepy. I mean, really. Can anyone honestly say they haven’t looked at a clown – even a benign clown like Bozo – and had a chill run down their spine? What is it about these grinning monstrosities that leads to such reactions? Is it the literally painted-on smiles? The strange clothes? The oddly-disturbing names? Or is it some combination thereof?

Whatever the reason, the undeniable creepiness inherent in clowns has naturally lead several filmmakers to either base horror films around them or feature them in horror films. This retrospective looks back at the various clowns that have appeared in horror movies, and rates them on the Clown-ometer, a scale of 1-5 based upon a) how creepy, and b) how genuinely clown-like the clowns in the films are.

Terror on Tour
Dir.: Don Edmonds; Year: 1980
A KISS rip-off rock band called “The Clowns” (shades of today’s Insane Clown Posse!) becomes the suspects in a series of murders where the killer dressed as members of the band. Most consider it to be a horrid murder mystery with about as much suspense and mystery as watching paint dry.

Clown-ometer: 1. Nothing terribly scary about these clowns – they’re just KISS. And Gene Simmons may spit blood on-stage, but he’s not scary. Avoid this one.

Funhouse
Dir.: Tobe Hooper; Year: 1981
Four kids go to a carnival and decide to spend the night in the carnival’s funhouse. While there, they witness a murder committed by one of the carnival’s freaks, a clown-like albino. Generally considered to be a decent, if unexceptional, film from the man who brought the world The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Clown-ometer: 2. It’s not really a clown, but the carnival setting and white skin give it enough leeway to be included here.

To read the rest of this article, please order B-Movies Quarterly #1.