By Zack Handlen

This summer saw the release of Freddy vs. Jason, a horror grudge match which, while making no sense on a basic plot level, has been the subject of fan anticipation since it was announced so many years ago. Nor is that all; rumors persist that the long hungered for Alien vs. Predator might be finally on its way, with some sources showing the movie to be already in pre-production.

To a horror fan, this trend (if indeed two movies, one not even started yet, can be called a “trend”) opens up a whole world of possibilities. The genre has always had a tendency to stagnate, as can be seen from the slasher gluts of the ‘80’s and ‘90’s. Here is a chance to open things up, to give writers new directions and an opportunity to fiddle with existing mythologies in creative ways.

Or, it could all end up as clever trappings to hide old, tired scripts. We’ll have to wait and see.

The concept is not a new one. Back in the ‘30’s, Universal pictures released a series of all-time classic monster pics, including Dracula, the Wolf-Man, Frankenstein’s monster, the Invisible Man, and more. These movies were all successful enough to warrant sequels, and sequels to those sequels, etc, until audiences started to lose interest. Universal, always the clever ones, started combining their stable of high pedigree freaks, until it became no oddity at all to see Dracula giving orders to Frankenstein’s monster, with the Wolf-Man prowling around in the alley trying to make sense of it all. Eventually comedy killed the concept, as it always does, when Abbott & Costello made the scene.

This begs the question, however: what if F vs. J is incredibly popular? What if other studios start to pick up the act? Makes me shiver in an anticipation. And since I don’t like to shiver, I sat down and made up a list of possible battles, with the necessary plots to get our “heroes” together. The continuity here is loopy, so please keep an open mind.

Michael Meyers (Halloween) vs. Pinhead (Hellraiser)

They found the puzzle box on Ebay, and since it was cheap, Jimmy used the last of his birthday money to buy it. When it arrived in the mail, he and Clarissa were not impressed; it was cheap looking, a hunk of wood covered in gold paint and sparkles.

Still, it had a creepy feel to it, and when the two of them were walking home from school and Josh the bully grabbed it, there was much consternation. Then, even worse, the bully threw it into a broken window of the old Meyers’ place. Mr. McReady came by and stopped the fight, ordering the kids to go home. Suddenly, Jimmy wanted that puzzle box back very badly.

Later that night, after everyone in the house had gone to bed, he snuck outside. Clarissa saw him from her bedroom window and followed. To the Meyers’ place. She said they shouldn’t go inside; people had a habit of being gruesomely murdered in there. Jimmy said that was stupid, and he wanted his box back. So in they went.

Unbeknownst to them, Josh had come back too. He’d only held the box briefly, but it called to him. He got there ahead of Jimmy and Clarissa, and he found the thing upstairs, in one of the many empty rooms. He pressed it. He turned it. And somehow, some unholy thing was watching and let him open it.

Just as Michael Meyers walked into the room.

Downstairs, Jimmy and Clarissa are stumbling their way through the dark. Upstairs, Pinhead and his fellows have arrived, and go for Jimmy. This upsets Meyers, and he drags Jimmy away into another room, blockading the door. Jimmy thanks him. Meyers puts a machete into his skull. Unfortunately, the Cenobites are angry, and with the one who called them dead, stolen right from their hands, they require vengeance. They require blood shed by their own hands. The door comes down fairly quickly.

Meanwhile, Jimmy and Clarissa have found the stairs, and are slowing climbing up.

To read the rest of this article, please order B-Movies Quarterly #2.