By Zack Handlen

Lord of the Rings is finally coming to a close, and the world seems all the sadder for it. After you’ve finished seeing Return of the King for the twelfth time in theaters, you might be tempted to sooth your grief by a trip to your local video store. Mourners don’t always have the best judgment, so as a public service to help you avoid a self-induced lobotomy, we’ve come up with a list of ten readily available movies you should not, under any circumstances, rent. Here they are, in no particular order:

Hook (1991) - Fantasy flops don’t get much higher profile than this: Steven Speilberg directing a movie starring Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman. Family friendly fare, too, with a killer concept about a grown-up Peter Pan. How could it fail? Easy – it’s crap. The sets may be pretty, the music may be good, but the script is a banal mixture of clichés and overlong set-ups, and there are far, far too many “feel-good” moments that don’t leave you feeling good at all. Worst sin: turning Never-Neverland into just another Disney theme park.

Dungeons & Dragons (2000) - You look at the cover; you see Jeremy Irons and Thora Birch, and a kickass dragon or two. You think, Hey, this should be fun. Clearly, you haven’t been paying much attention to reviews, or else you’d know this is one of the most toxic studio releases in the past decade. What you didn’t realize is that Irons acts like a man on mainlining coke between shots, Thora Birch seems to be made of wood, and the movie really centers on that blonde guy you sort of recognize (Justin Whalin) and Marlon Wayons as what just may be the worst comic relief character ever. Oh, and there’s no real attempt made to be faithful to the game. Note: those of you who made the mistake of watching this movie might be happy to know that Wayons suffers through most of Requiem for a Dream.

The Neverending Story II (1990) - The first one’s a classic. The second isn’t. I saw this in the theater at my sister’s birthday party, and even then, when my critical faculties were immature enough to still allow me to enjoy Hook, I knew something was wrong. First of all, there’s Jonathan Brandis, replacing Barret Oliver, and no movie ever made that had Brandis in it is worth talking about. Second, while the first movie used a realistic design to portray its fantasy world, this one looks gaudy and fake, never getting that sense of gritty danger which grounded the original. Third, the special effects aren’t as good, Bastian and Atreyu aren’t as cool, and it’s just not that much fun to watch. Apparently, they made a third movie with the kid from Free Willy. I think I’ll just avoid that one on principal.

Pinocchio (2002) - Roberto Benigni directed and starred in Life is Beautiful with his wife. He also directed and starred in Pinocchio with his wife. The quality of the former has no bearing on the wretchedness of the latter. A movie that sank out of theaters about as fast as Gigli did, Pinocchio suffers from any number of flaws, including a horribly miscast lead (fifty year old men should not be playing eight year old boys), and a story that doesn’t always make any sense. The American release edited out a good seventeen minutes, reducing the narrative to utter shambles; its hard to know if we should regret the loss, or be grateful for the shortened experience.

To read the rest of this article, please order B-Movies Quarterly #3.