Vampire Junction
Horror, 2001
97 minutes, VHS & DVD
www.b-movie.com

A middle-aged reporter goes to a forgotten Western town to interview someone. Just her luck, the town is filled with vampires, if by filled you mean “three” and by vampires, you mean “two naked jigs in frightwigs and a pasty dude in a cowboy hat and cape.” Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. Ninety minutes of boredom, punctuated by long sequences of disgust. If there’s a plot here, I was stymied by the awful dubbing and incessant presence of indistinguishable fantasy sequences in my attempts to find it. Lots of nudity, all of it unpleasant; there’s a sequence in here (called simply “Shaving” in the chapter selection) that will haunt my dreams. The DVD is mediocre – the picture quality is poor, perhaps intentionally, and the extras, a disposable homemade zombie short called “Evil Night” and a bunch of trailers, are largely disposable. Only Jess Franco fans need apply. -Zack Handlen

Holla! If I Kill You
Horror Comedy, 2003
81minutes, VHS & DVD
www.b-movie.com

A down on his luck comedian named Holla suddenly has more to worry about than his fading popularity, when a gloved psycho starts killing off the people around him. A deeply predictable slasher with apparent giallo influence (at least, that’s what one of the director’s says on the DVD), this one is notable only for its targets, denizens of a mostly black comedy club. Too bad none of the jokes are funny; it’s hard to tell which is worse, the minute on endless minute of padding, or the stand up routines. Watchable, but dull and forgettable. Extras include a commentary track from half of the directing team, outtakes, trailers, and interviews. -Zack Handlen

Gut Pile
Horror, 1997
48 minutes, VHS & DVD
www.b-movie.com

A hunter accidentally shoots a man, then buries him in the woods to cover up his crime. A year later, he and his friends come back for another year of hunting; but some things, it seems, don’t want to stay buried. Clocking in at under fifty minutes, this one still has an unfortunate amount of padding and long, dialogue-less sequences. However, some of those silent bits actually work, occasionally creating a nice, eerie sort of feeling, vaguely reminiscent of the first Evil Dead film; even more reminiscent are the numerous “movie camera on a motorcycle” shots. The acting is tolerable, there’s a decent line or two – this ain’t art, and it’s not good by any definition of the word, but it’s short, and it’s not completely inept. The DVD includes a behind the scenes look, two short films (one with Debbie Rochon!), and a number of trailers. -Zack Handlen

Feeders
Horror, 1997
68 minutes, VHS & DVD
www.b-movie.com

Feeders would make Ed Wood proud. From its public access TV special effects to its Casio keyboard soundtrack and cast members who can’t bother to even memorize their lines, this movie was produced with more enthusiasm than talent. Aliens descend upon a tiny wilderness town and proceed to treat the townspeople like their own private smorgasbord. John Polonia and Jon McBride, who also co-directed, play Bennett and Derek – two devil-may-care road-trippers who stumble onto an alien invasion. The movie gets props for the best use of twins (the poor man’s CGI) during the big finale when Polonia battles his clone, his other co-director and brother Mark Polonia, but overall, the production has two left feet. From the flat line delivery of the female leads - who are obviously reading straight from the script - to the sagging paper mache aliens that are about as menacing as rabid sock puppets, this flick is a remarkable feat of underachievement. -Jeff Stanford

Feeders 2
Horror, 1997
72 minutes, VHS & DVD
www.b-movie.com

The incompetence continues as the Polonia Brothers inflict more pain with this sequel to their hungry aliens epic, Feeders. They’ve at least learned that if you don’t have the money or talent to make a scary horror movie, you can make a funny one. There’s more intentional humor in this film as the diminutive extraterrestrial diners return and terrorize a family during the yuletide season. Why aliens have chosen a small suburban hamlet as the flashpoint for invasion is beyond me, but what do I know? This time out, co-director Mark Polonia takes center stage as the harried dad trying to protect his family and save Christmas - including rescuing Santa after his sleigh is shot down! The effects are a little better with this effort, but the aliens still look like a kiddie craft project gone horribly wrong. And a note to pet lovers: your four-legged family members are not safe from becoming alien appetizers. The little buggers have their way with not one, but two, furry friends before the closing credits. This movie’s crap, but watching Santa Claus kick alien butt helps ease the pain just a smidge. - Jeff Stanford

Psycho Claus
Horror, 1997
80 minutes, VHS & DVD
www.b-movie.com

Taking inspiration from John Carpenter’s Halloween, Writer/Director Eric Keir has crafted this tale about an escaped mental patient in a Santa suit hacking up everyone in his path. The movie is told in flashbacks as a husband recounts the legend to his wife while in route to a Christmas party. Two girls go to a cabin in the woods to meet a friend for their annual Christmas slumber party. They can’t find her, but that doesn’t stop one from taking a long shower and the other from dancing seductively in skimpy lingerie to Christmas carols. They discover too late that their friend’s body parts are wrapped up under the tree. Another segment has two teenagers running afoul of Psycho Santa when they’re stranded in the woods. The film’s pace is too plodding to be thrilling, but Keir does manage a few clever moments. When Psycho Santa stalks a teen through a junkyard riddled with rusting school buses, the scene generates a nice creepy mood. It would have been twice as effective staged at night, but the budget probably conspired against the director. Given a decent budget, a few light kits and some talented actors, who knows what he could achieve? - Jeff Stanford

Satan Claus
Horror, 1997
80 minutes, VHS & DVD
www.b-movie.com

A black magic ritual summons the devil in the form of Old St. Nick and blood begins to taint the Big Apple in the days before Christmas. What’s up with all the yuletide horror movies lately? Someone not get a Tickle-Me-Elmo and they’re really pissed? In this umpteenth holiday thriller, a really bad Santa stalks the city, hacking up people for tree ornaments and taunting the police. Aspiring actor Steve gets involved when his friend’s boyfriend becomes the latest victim. He teams up with his cop gal pal and his voodoo landlady to crack the case. The movie clocks in at little over an hour, but its pace is less than brisk. You’ll be counting the seconds as the plot sloppily slaps into place to reveal the killer’s dunderheaded master plan. The big surprise is more Murder, She Wrote than The Silence of the Lambs. Script problems aside, technical inefficiencies really hobble this flick. A movie should be dark because of the script - not because you can’t afford any lighting. On the bright side, Satan Claus could find success as a drinking game. Just take a shot any time someone says “bastard.” You’ll be hammered by the halfway mark. - Jeff Stanford

Night for Nixie
Horror, 2003
www.reelprogress.com

When writing about films with particularly bizarre imagery and chaotic storylines, it is customary for film critics to trot out the name of Ed Wood. (For those of you who are only reading this because it was the only thing in your dentist’s waiting room you hadn’t read before, Ed Wood is the guy who directed the infamous Plan Nine From Outer Space and Glen or Glenda. Johnny Depp played him in that Tim Burton a few years ago. Remember that?) To be sure, Wood’s name evokes a particular level of badness to which few motion picture directors would like to be associated. In truth, however, even fewer filmmakers actually deserve such comparison, because Wood was a sort of demented savant who created some powerful and disturbing images that made little sense to anyone who wasn’t Ed Wood.

Mike Lyddon may well deserve that comparison – at the very least for conning a number of presumably rational adults into taking this strange trip with him. In what must have been the radiant glow of his enthusiasm for filmmaking, a number of competent videographers, willing low-budget actors, and effects specialists have aided Lyddon in putting together Night for Nixie, a very strange visual conglomeration indeed. The story apparently involves an evil corporation bent on eating the souls of the Earth’s hapless population, and the spider-like critter that is inadvertently released upon an unsuspecting city. All of this takes a visual back seat, however, to the visual confusion Lyddon sprays on screen at whim. There are dream sequences, mock commercials, and confusticating visions galore, and somewhere in there we’re supposed to believe there’s a story. I couldn’t help feeling that Lyddon was deliberately pulling his audience’s leg, however – pretending to an actual message when in fact there was none. At least with Ed Wood you could count on a narrator to hammer the point home; this picture may well leave you with only a puzzled look on your face. Still, hard core b-movie fans will want to see Night for Nixie if only to say they emerged on the other end with sanity intact. – Chris Holland

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This article is an excerpt from B-Movies Quarterly #4.